It's been a rough week. I've found that I lack support from those who I needed it from the most-- except for a few special people who I'm hoping to have in my life forever (ukwur).
It's like I'm in elementary school again and everyone is talking behind my back except, now I know it. Of course it's not meant to be in a malicious way, but my insecurities make my head think that way.
I'm seeing the school counselor now once a week. It helps me clear my head, plus it's not like he's a shrink he just thinks like one.
I just don't really know how to react to everyone's opinion. Jen is trying so hard to be supportive, and I know she'll never tell me to my face that she doesn't think it's going to work. Rich just listens and doesn't say anything to me-- I think he understands the reasons that lie underneath the skin for it. Biff and Jayson listen and support, they are both behind me a bazillion percent which is a relief plus they both know a lot of my issues and insecurities. Brian, James and Matt just don't get it. I don't know if they ever will. And when I try to educate them they act like I'm trying to persuade them. I'm NOT I just want their decisions based on educated facts not what they think (this is where I begin to ramble).
They think I'll fail, they think I have no stamina and that I'm not strong enough. Not strong enough?! Not strong enough?! I've been stronger than they'll ever know; I've been strong through the 10 years of school that I got made fun of. They'll never understand that I was the fat girl, that I was the loser. I can bet they were both the cool fat kids, everyone has one in their class they're the class clown or the jock. They'll never understand that wasn't me. They'll never understand I was the girl that had the chair pulled out from under her so everyone could find out if it would rumble when I fell. That I was the girl on diets, exercise routines and pills since I was 10. That I was dancing 4 days a week to keep my body from growing. That I'm not afraid of heights I'm afraid of being told to get off because I didn't fit in the seats. That I don't like going to the club because of my size. That I'm the largest size at the plus size store. That I don't go to water parks because I'm over the weighlimit. That I've adapted to my life, so that I can have friends. What it's like to have the roof over your head taken away within a few hours. They’ll never understand I want to look cute when I'm pregnant. That I want be able to run around with my kids and grandkids. That I want to go skydiving, parasailing, snorkeling, scuba diving, and mountain climbing. That I want to go shopping with my friends. That I want to buy touristy clothes when I travel that are women’s not means sizes. That I want to go running and work out without turning reddish/purple and being embarrassed. That I want to sit at a desk without my boobs resting on the desk. That I want to cross my legs when I sit down. That I want to do yoga and plates. They'll never understand how much pain you are in because your back can't support the amount of weight your body carries. They'll never understand how much I regret having to quit dance because I couldn't stop eating to keep my body fit.What it's like to lose control of your body. They'll never understand what it's like to be on a liquid diet for more than a month, or to eat baby food for two weeks, or to eat two bites of chicken and be full, or what dumping feels like, or how it feels to take pills for the rest of your life to get enough vitamins. They'll never understand that I'm not happy. They’ll never understand.
They think this is the easy way out. They'll never understand it's not the easy way out it's the only way out. That this is me saying "Hey World! I can't control what goes into my mouth."
Whoa, do I feel better. Guess I know what my main issues are now, and what I need to tell all them. Hell maybe they read this and I don't even know it. We are all going to sit down and discuss it all. Because they need to understand.
I've learned in the last two weeks that if you don't love yourself and put yourself first you can't help others. So I've started doing so. I'm going to Church at 7pm on Sunday with a friend. I've never been to this type of church-- it's a lot more laid back. I haven't had a "relationship" with God in quite some time-- hardly did when I got my confirmation. But I have found myself being jealous of others who trust and believe in God-- how can you be jealous of a relationship that EVERYONE can have? So I'm going to get back with this, I can't say I'll commit myself to working for him (cause I'm not at that point) but I can definitely have at least a friendship with him. He he. I have been watching sermons from previous weeks and there is an amazing one about Taking Risks check it out it's amazing.
I'm also going to start getting involved in something outside of school. Whether it's a second job, or a club. I need to meet other people that aren't at my school and be involved with stuff outside of school.
That’s it. That's everything. I feel so much better. I really need to update more often-- this as well as my personal blog-- well they are both personal but this one is more based on weightless and such.
Peace. Love. &. Risks.
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