Really? Did today just happen?

I've been meaning to write for a few days since; I have had my pysch eval on Wednesday the 23rd.

The pysch eval was interesting, very different from my counseling sessions. She wanted direct answers, which is something I'm bad at. Not that I beat around the bush, I just give too many details.

I was approved and given my surgery date today. November 18, 2009 the date of my second birthday, my rebirth, the closing of one door and the opening of another.

I'm not really in the mood to talk about it much. But I will later on this week.

Take Risks

It's been a rough week. I've found that I lack support from those who I needed it from the most-- except for a few special people who I'm hoping to have in my life forever (ukwur).



It's like I'm in elementary school again and everyone is talking behind my back except, now I know it. Of course it's not meant to be in a malicious way, but my insecurities make my head think that way.



I'm seeing the school counselor now once a week. It helps me clear my head, plus it's not like he's a shrink he just thinks like one.



I just don't really know how to react to everyone's opinion. Jen is trying so hard to be supportive, and I know she'll never tell me to my face that she doesn't think it's going to work. Rich just listens and doesn't say anything to me-- I think he understands the reasons that lie underneath the skin for it. Biff and Jayson listen and support, they are both behind me a bazillion percent which is a relief plus they both know a lot of my issues and insecurities. Brian, James and Matt just don't get it. I don't know if they ever will. And when I try to educate them they act like I'm trying to persuade them. I'm NOT I just want their decisions based on educated facts not what they think (this is where I begin to ramble).



They think I'll fail, they think I have no stamina and that I'm not strong enough. Not strong enough?! Not strong enough?! I've been stronger than they'll ever know; I've been strong through the 10 years of school that I got made fun of. They'll never understand that I was the fat girl, that I was the loser. I can bet they were both the cool fat kids, everyone has one in their class they're the class clown or the jock. They'll never understand that wasn't me. They'll never understand I was the girl that had the chair pulled out from under her so everyone could find out if it would rumble when I fell. That I was the girl on diets, exercise routines and pills since I was 10. That I was dancing 4 days a week to keep my body from growing. That I'm not afraid of heights I'm afraid of being told to get off because I didn't fit in the seats. That I don't like going to the club because of my size. That I'm the largest size at the plus size store. That I don't go to water parks because I'm over the weighlimit. That I've adapted to my life, so that I can have friends. What it's like to have the roof over your head taken away within a few hours. They’ll never understand I want to look cute when I'm pregnant. That I want be able to run around with my kids and grandkids. That I want to go skydiving, parasailing, snorkeling, scuba diving, and mountain climbing. That I want to go shopping with my friends. That I want to buy touristy clothes when I travel that are women’s not means sizes. That I want to go running and work out without turning reddish/purple and being embarrassed. That I want to sit at a desk without my boobs resting on the desk. That I want to cross my legs when I sit down. That I want to do yoga and plates. They'll never understand how much pain you are in because your back can't support the amount of weight your body carries. They'll never understand how much I regret having to quit dance because I couldn't stop eating to keep my body fit.What it's like to lose control of your body. They'll never understand what it's like to be on a liquid diet for more than a month, or to eat baby food for two weeks, or to eat two bites of chicken and be full, or what dumping feels like, or how it feels to take pills for the rest of your life to get enough vitamins. They'll never understand that I'm not happy. They’ll never understand.



They think this is the easy way out. They'll never understand it's not the easy way out it's the only way out. That this is me saying "Hey World! I can't control what goes into my mouth."



Whoa, do I feel better. Guess I know what my main issues are now, and what I need to tell all them. Hell maybe they read this and I don't even know it. We are all going to sit down and discuss it all. Because they need to understand.



I've learned in the last two weeks that if you don't love yourself and put yourself first you can't help others. So I've started doing so. I'm going to Church at 7pm on Sunday with a friend. I've never been to this type of church-- it's a lot more laid back. I haven't had a "relationship" with God in quite some time-- hardly did when I got my confirmation. But I have found myself being jealous of others who trust and believe in God-- how can you be jealous of a relationship that EVERYONE can have? So I'm going to get back with this, I can't say I'll commit myself to working for him (cause I'm not at that point) but I can definitely have at least a friendship with him. He he. I have been watching sermons from previous weeks and there is an amazing one about Taking Risks check it out it's amazing.



I'm also going to start getting involved in something outside of school. Whether it's a second job, or a club. I need to meet other people that aren't at my school and be involved with stuff outside of school.



That’s it. That's everything. I feel so much better. I really need to update more often-- this as well as my personal blog-- well they are both personal but this one is more based on weightless and such.



Peace. Love. &. Risks.

Nutritionist

So on Wednesday I went to the nutritionist appointment. It was sort of scary-- in a official way. We went through pre-op and post-op diets, I got sort of upset since I had e-mailed and asked if they required a pre-op diet and I was told not unless your insurance company required it. But I will be put on a diet pre-op, oh well I guess it's still worth it. I'm starting to become nervous now that it's getting closer. I thought I had all this support, and my friends hardly even talk to me right now, except for Biff. I'll have to talk to him a bit more about everything cause I need someone, and he's been totally supportive (I thought he wouldn't be from his comments last year) and trying to stay involved.

I sat down with Harry our dining services manager and he is going to set up an appointment to sit down with Jess our chef so I can still eat in the Marketplace with my friends. So once I get my date and know what I'm talking about food wise, I can do that. Burns also said that if my mom doesn't come down (I'm still not sure whether I want her here or not) that I can stay with them for a few days to get recoup'd.

Next appintment is the pyschologist, I don't know how to prepare for that at all-- I just need to come up wiht some good reasons that I want this surgery cause everytime they ask me I just mumble out something.

Peace.Love.&.Skinny

This is the beginning..

It's taken me a bit to begin this blog and write it, mostly because I'm afraid it will all tumble down around me and I'll jinx myself.

I've been fat since I was 7, I've danced for 17 years, I've done all the diets, I've done clinical trials, I've been made fun of, I've felt self-concsious. And I'm done with all of that.

I'm ready for a new start, so I'm getting laproscopic gastric bypass surgery. I'm getting it in Florida thousands of miles from my family and my long time best friends, I'm getting it during my third year at college with my newest friends and my moms best friend from college who has also been through this process. I'm taken initiative to make myself healthy and make this change.

I met Dr. Andrew Larson last Thursday-- went through all of the necessary consult stuff, getting weighed asking questions. I later found out that he was not only the head of the program (and very young) but the surgeon who preforms the lap-band, so I had to schedule another meeting with Dr. Fred Simon, who will be preforming my surgery with the assitance of Dr. Larson.

I was able to set up my nutritionist and pyschologist appointment and go over all my insurance information. So I have to get a prescription from my primary so they can bill the insurance company for my nutritionist appiontment. And I have to pay for the pyscholigist out of pocket, although I can claim it through the insurance company afterwards. And I have to pay a $500 post-op fee which would enable me to see the Dr, the nutritionist and the pyscholgist anytime I wanted with an appintment for my lifetime. Which is pretty cool.

Last Thursday night I went to the information session to learn a bit more about the program ( I felt very educated, and owe it to my support group at Thinner Times). I was lucky enough to have the support of Jen my room mate, she looked pretty bored through the whole thing. But I felt like she was listening to learn a bit more about what I'll be going through and what I'll have to do which is good. The head nurse Kendra was nice enough to reassure some things that I was not totally sure about dealing with the insurance.

So yesterday I met with Dr. Simon (Fred) and he was funny, a lot more charismatic than he had originally come off as. But he kept bringing up the fact that it is unsafe for me to get pregnant for the next two years. I completly understand and don't plan on getting pregnant in the next two years( I mean I don't have anyone to get pregnant with hahaha). Two years, brings me to right after my 23 birthday, and a year after I graduate with my four year degree I'm okay with that. That's part of the reason I'm getting this surgery now and not later on.  I have to go for a ton of blood work, I don't know where to go, which is the hardest part of this. I don't have a primary or normal doctors down here. So I have to see a doctor and such to give me medical clearance, and do blood work and all that.

I will update later with more about everything, feelings, etc.

Peace.Love.&.the Future.

All the power in the world doesn't matter if you've lived an unsatisfied life.